How to think, when everything feels hard

Everything feels hard . . .

Is it just me, or do things feel hard in NZ, at the moment?

We had Covid. Lockdowns. Cyclones and floods. Now the cost-of-living crisis. It all feels a bit heavy.

On a personal level, I became fully self-employed right when mortgage interest rates spiked and the economy flattened off. We went from making a surplus each week to making a deficit. While I’m very privileged to have a safety net, it’s not an ideal scenario.

All of which has me thinking about learned helplessness. In the classic study by Martin Seligman, dogs were first conditioned to receive a mild electric shock, every time a bell went. Then they were put into a cage with a low wall – receiving shocks on one side, but not if they jumped over the wall to the other side. But the dogs didn’t jump. They just sat there and endured their fate. They’d learned to be helpless.

I think we’re at risk of learned helplessness, en masse. But Seligman didn’t just leave us with the theory, he recommends three strategies for shifting to a more optimistic and agency-fuelled way of thinking.

It’s all about explanatory styles.

Unpacking explanatory styles - the 3Ps

The least ideal = an explanatory style that is personal, permanent and pervasive. It sounds like:

• “I’m overwhelmed at work, because I’m not efficient enough and I need better boundaries” (personal).

• “I’ll never manage to have a fulfilling career and a life outside of work” (permanent).

• “I’m dropping all the balls, I’m such a mess” (pervasive).

That trifecta is really demoralising, and leads you into a downward spiral. Seligman recommends a shift from -  

• personal to external explanations

• permanent to temporary explanations

• pervasive to specific explanations

Which sounds like:

• “I’m overwhelmed at work, because two roles have been compressed into my one role” (external explanation)

• “I’m finding it hard to have a fulfilling career and a life outside of work, at the moment” (temporary explanation)

• “I’m dropping the ball with my partner, but I’m still doing a good job at work, with my kids, and with getting to the gym” (specific explanation).

So yes, things are hard.

More specifically – things are challenging in the economy (which doesn’t mean that YOU suck), it won’t be this way forever (so step away from the giant pit of despair), and things don’t universally suck (again, reason to steer clear of full-on despair).

On that last point, of non-universal-suckness, let’s elaborate.

An incomplete, but nevertheless optimistic list, of why everything doesn’t suck

Covid is less of an issue. We can meet in real life and move about freely.

Summer is coming. The Rugby World Cup is coming. The women’s FIFA World Cup was a hit.

We live in one of the safest countries on earth. In the most universally prosperous time in history. Our average living standard is higher than the kings and queens of antiquity.

Kids survive childhood. Mothers survive childbirth.

We can communicate instantly with our friends and family on the other side of the world. No long boat trips to be reunited. No letters sent then waiting waiting waiting.

We have clean water, hot showers, sanitation, public healthcare, ACC. Green spaces. Amazing beaches. Wildlife that is cute and not likely to kill you. And that’s just a brainstorm after one cup of coffee.

So I say, F off to learned helplessness. Let’s jump to the other side of the cage and stop getting electrocuted by our own shitty thoughts. There’s a lot to be grateful for, and hopeful about. Kia kaha my peeps.