A no-BS, evidence-based guide to knowing what you want and going after it

What do you want?

If you’re in a restaurant, it’s a pretty straightforward question. Perhaps the chicken, the beef, or the mushroom risotto…

But what about – in life? What do you actually want out of life?

That’s a really hard question to answer, and one that we don’t spend enough time asking ourselves or others.

Here’s a little evidence-based plan, to get you started.

Step 1 - Learn from regret, and be bold

One way to start ‘cracking the nut’ is to ask what you regret – which is the focus of Daniel Pink’s latest book ‘The Power of Regret – How looking backward moves us forward’. Pink studied the regrets of thousands of people, in his American Regret Survey and World Regret Surveys. He identified four common themes, which I’ve mapped onto Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

There are foundation regrets, which sound like “if only I’d done the work”. If only I’d tried harder at school, or put aside more for my retirement, or taken better care of my health. Foundation regrets relate to our need for current and future security, which forms the base of Maslow’s pyramid.

There are moral regrets, which sound like “If only I’d done the right thing” and connection regrets which sound like “If only I’d reached out”. These both speak to our need to belong – which sits in the middle of Maslow’s hierarchy. Because morals are essentially principles that govern groups, which we internalise and use to govern ourselves. When we go against our moral code, it’s harder to live with ourselves and to be around others without a sense of shame (which is isolating). And of course, connection to a tribe is a fundamental human need, and a key pillar in ‘the good life’. When our connections break or fade over time, it wounds, and it’s a source of regret.

The last category is boldness regrets, which sound like “If only I’d taken the risk”. This aligns with the top of Maslow’s hierarchy, and the desire to self-actualise and become the person that we feel called to be. Boldness regrets also clearly relate to our careers or worklife.

Of course, it’s a luxury to be bold. It’s much easier to step into the unknown if you’ve got a parachute of some sort, whether that’s a financial buffer, a strong social network, or the enviable ability to withstand criticism from others. But it’s also difficult to be bold. Because – where do you focus all that bold energy?

**Step 2 – Get clear on your intrinsic motivations, and the ladder you want to climb**

Before we get into this, I need to share a couple of personal things.

First off, I grew up with a lovely dad who started an Executive Recruitment firm. That means every day I heard people summarised in terms of their career pathway to the C-suite, and their glowing successes. It was like living in LinkedIn, full time. So I internalised the importance of tangible career ‘wins’ and a stellar CV, from a young age.

Second, I have amazing and talented friends, a subset of whom have achieved clear ‘wins’ on the career scoreboard of life. For instance - there’s Flynn Coleman, a Harvard fellow who wrote a highly acclaimed book about the need for more human / humane algorithms. Sally Sitou, who just became an Australian MP after winning the swing state of Reid and helping Labour to secure a victory over ScoMo. And Jeremy Reid, who’s younger than me but an Associate Professor of Philosophy in the US.

I’m so proud of what these friends have achieved. And, if I’m honest, with my family background that indexes highly on the importance of career success, I often feel diminished or less than, in comparison.

And I know that comparison is the thief of joy, but that quote doesn’t help, in the moment.

When insecurity attacks, I’ve found it more useful to ask myself ‘What ladder are you climbing?’

Because unlike a restaurant, and unlike the pathway to the C-suite, there are an infinite number of life ‘ladders’ or paths on offer. Some of the paths have very clear ‘gold stars’ along the way, or at the top. Partner in a law firm – star! Wrote a New York Times bestseller – star! VP of a big tech company – star!

But some of the paths have unclear, difficult-to-share metrics, that are valuable all the same. Like – raised kids who have a strong sense of social justice. Contributed to a positive company culture. Supported people through a mental health crisis and back to solid ground. Built a rich social life with rewarding creative endeavours. Stars!

The point is – try to get clear on what ladder you are climbing. (Or whether you’d rather be on a Ferris Wheel, a garden path, or whatever).

If you’re a gold star seeker like me, it might be tempting to climb the most star-studded ladder. But you’ll be more fulfilled if you figure out what is genuinely, intrinsically rewarding for you, so that you don’t need the extrinsic trinkets from the world, to keep pushing forward.

And how to figure out what motivates you? Become a scientist of your own life. Carve out some space at the end of each day or week, to figure out when you felt most alive and most yourself in that time frame. What were you doing, who were you with, what are the themes in terms of what makes you feel ‘golden’? What makes you feel lit up from the inside, rather than hollow and operating just to get a gold star from others? You probably have an inkling. But often there’s work to be done, to muster up the boldness to build your own ladder, or carve your own path.

To paraphrase Glennon Doyle, author of Untamed, “Stop asking directions to places other people have never been. You can do hard things.”

Step 3 – Take a step, any step . . .

So you’re going to be bold, and you’ve found what intrinsically motivates you. Now’s you’re ready to take action. But… how?

Often we don’t take the next step because we feel totally overwhelmed about how many different steps we could take, and how many steps away we are from our next ‘gold star’.

In moments like this, you might want to try coaching yourself. Use the GROW model:

What’s your goal?
How does that contrast with your current reality?
What options do you have to move forward? And which one will you take?
(W stands for Wrap Up, in the context of a coaching session).

If you can’t decide on the best option, de-risk it. This could mean:

Trying one option in a low-risk way. So if you think you want to change jobs, can you shadow someone in that role and see if it actually appeals? If you want to start a business, could you do it as a side hustle, initially? (Hello, Thrive Lab 😊)
Satisficing rather than maximising. Look up the work of Barry Schwarz, who has found that people who seek to choose the very best option available will often end up with a superior option, but they will feel worse about it. You’re better off satisficing, which means making sure the option meets your key criteria, and then going with the flow from there.
Reminding yourself that the stakes aren’t that high. Very few decisions are irreversible and permanent. If you make a choice and it sucks, you can probably change it down the line. But chances are, it won’t have as much impact as you think, anyway. As Nobel Prize winner Dan Kahneman explains, ‘Nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is, while you’re thinking about it’. So make a choice and see what happens. Rumination is probably the worst choice of all, in terms of your wellbeing.

Step 4 - Build and celebrate your identity as a person who DOES things

While you get clarity on your next step, and start moving, you’ll also want to build your internal locus of control, or your sense that you are a person with agency who can influence your own life.

(This doesn’t mean you are responsible for all the good or bad that happens to you, just that you can play a part in shaping your outcomes. It’s a measured but hopeful point of view.)

How to build agency then?

Kasey Edwards and Dr Christopher Scanlon have a pro-tip, in their book ‘Raising girls who like themselves - in a world that tells them they’re flawed. Each day, write down 1-3 good things that happened and your role in making that good thing happen. Over time, this helps rewire your brain - as you’ll take greater notice of the ‘sunny moments’ of your life, and you’ll have a stronger sense that you are a change agent.

Maybe you’re a person that helps pineapples to party. Hey, it’s still a thing. Go you. (Photo by Pineapple Supply Co on Unsplash).

Repeat, and shine on

The question ‘what do you want?’ is rarely asked and rarely answered. But the wellbeing literature is very clear on a few things. You’ll live a happier, and most likely longer life, if you have strong connections to others, and a sense of purpose.

It can be one big purpose or many small purposes. But it doesn’t need to sound impressive, or come with lots of shiny gold stars.

Do what makes you shiny from the inside,* and if you get stuck, keep repeating the steps in this plan.

Shine on you crazy diamond!

x Renee from Thrive Lab

(*) Fun fact – humans actually glow, but it’s at an infrared level that we can’t perceive. Amazing hey.